SuperShelly Vol 2
by supershelly
Summary: Volume 2 of The SuperShelly Series. This volume is the more current and updated one.
1. Welcome to The Machine

(Welcome to) The Machine

"Woo wee! I'd like to ride up and DOWN your dangerous curves." That was the first thing I heard when I arrived at the pool. "You must be Shelly. I've heard a lot about you."

There was a man standing there looking just a bit older than me. "I am. What have you heard?" I asked trying to squeeze past this unknown person blocking the front entrance.

"Oh, nothing but good things. Nothing bad at all," he said moving past me to uncover an open door. So far we were the only people there. "My name is Hoolihan. Greg Hoolihan."

It had been a long and dreary winter. It had seemed like it was winter since the pool closed, cold and dark, but it is much warmer now. "Did they hire you as a lifeguard?" I asked. This guy was brand new and showed no signs of ever being to a pool before.

"Kind of. They did hire me."

"What does 'kind of' mean?" He was seeming rather ambiguous.

"They kind of hired me to help the manager and you are here to show me the ropes. Teach me the in's and out's of the pool. They said you'd be the one to show me." I felt rather flattered at that point. I had been through my share of difficulties with being shuffled around from pool to pool, and here I am at yet another pool, and there seems no promise of more staff. But at least THIS pool was smaller.

He seemed to follow me as I walked around finding my way around the place. I guess he considered it a tour. I considered it a nuisance.

With no manager around, I did what I normally did before the pool opened – clean everything. This Greg person had been on my heels since I had got there and there seemed no chance of kicking him off. I eventually got a break when I walked into the girl's locker room. I could tell this was going to be a long summer.

With the smaller pool came smaller areas to clean and more idle time. This place had already been done up once, it seemed, and I was rehashing the place. I decided to take a break when he decided to reappear.

"So when I said they told me you are to show me the ropes, I don't think they referred to the ones floating in the pool."

"What are you saying?" I sharply replied.

"You are to be my… You are supposed to show me…." He hesitated for a while, then said, "I can't swim."

"You what?!" That caught me in disbelief. They've hired a guard who can't swim! I'm not at all qualified to deal with this load of crap! "What are you doing here?!"

"I'm supposed to learn. You are supposed to show me. I don't know… just.. you've done with kids lots of times they tell me. Just think of me as another kid." He was seeming pretty childish to me!

"Let me think this over a bit. I'll be here around ten tomorrow." I was done cleaning. The pool still had a twinge of green to it and it was getting late. There was no use starting swimming today. Plus this way I had time to think it all over.

The next morning he was waiting at the gate for me. "OK, fine. We'll see how this goes." My decision wasn't based on how attractive he might have been, or a chance to help him float, but because they are so disorganized and small headed downtown that they seem to hire people just to fill numbers, qualified, liability, or not. "We have a little less than two weeks until we are open."

"Good. That should be enough time to get everything done."

Getting everything done didn't seem too probable too quickly. As I began to get into the pool, I watched as he stripped down to his white Speedo. I didn't realize I was starring until he began waving back at me. I spent most of the morning just trying to convince him the pool was like a big bath tub and there was nothing to fear. "But I take showers," he said. He seemed to have a reply to everything I said.

The furthest he got into the pool was to his knees. It was either 'too cold,' 'too early,' or 'too wet.' "It's water," I yelled back at him, "Of course it's wet!" We haven't learned how to dehydrate water. Not yet." By noon I was tired and hungry. He was cold and dry.

I left Greg alone at the pool while I left to get us lunch. I wasn't sure how long I could play this charade. A week of this will get us no where. If there is no fluid communication, then there will be a lot of waves in the water.

When I returned with lunch, he was no where to be found. This task of teaching someone who has been stubborn about these things their whole life will take a lot of breaking in to do. I ate my lunch in solitude and pondered what his intentions were. I couldn't really come up with much more than going out somewhere. But those were becoming my intentions, I think.

I remembered an old trick that was once shown to me by my lifeguarding mentor on one of those days I hung around the pool. He convinced someone afraid of the water to go into the baby pool. The next day I did just that. I forced Greg to dress out in floaties and everything to ensure he wouldn't drown. The whole pool was knee high. "I look macho in this, don't I?" He came out saying. It was hard at first for me to get him to do much of anything in the baby pool with floaties. I was laughing too hard. But we made progress.

Everyday I would spend all morning getting him to wade around the baby pool. Every afternoon he would disappear. It didn't become a problem until the one day the baby pool refused to hold water. We still had to move on, there was only a week left 'til the pool opened.

"That rope over there," I said pointing at the shallow end, "designates where you can stand and where it is too deep." I had been through this a week prior. "We can take you to the other side and you will be ok."

"No, I don't think I am ready yet."

"You only have a week left. We have a lot of ground to cover." If he were smaller, I would have carried him to the middle and make him waddle the rest of the way out. Being as he is larger than I am, I just pushed him in.

"What – What did you do that for?"

"Now that you are in – Work with me." Amazingly enough, he doggy paddled like a pro. Once I got him going on basic strokes, he could go from one side to the other. It was ugly, but doable. "I will make you a deal," I said. "You can swim. It is not pretty, but you can. You are doing fine in here now, so we will spend the last few remaining days we have mostly in the shallow end and work on basic lifeguarding stuff. Agreed?"

"OK." He replied.

At least I broke the barrier and he got in and can swim. Lifeguarding is something beyond my realm, but if that is what they want… they could have at least asked me, and not through him. He, of course, disappeared at lunch.

The following day the baby pool was fixed and everytihng had been set up for class. He must have been here for quite a while.

"Been here a while?" I asked.

"Yeah. Couldn't sleep. Started in early."

"Work?"

"Yeah. Um.. Practicing."

"But you aren't wet."

"I haven't got that far yet?" As if THAT made sense!

He willfully got into the pool. "Let me take you out tonight. As a thanks for getting me to where I am."

"But we aren't done yet. We still have tons to do."

"I know this great spot. I think you'll like it."

"I will consider it, but you at least have to be able to swim all the way across the pool with all of the strokes for me to even consider it." Oddly enough, he did. We got through a lot that morning. He progressed much better than expected. So I held true to my end; I let him pick me up.

He drove up in his flashy car, blaring out some peculiar music. It sounded like country rap. He was dressed in shorts and a shirt. I had on a dress. "I thought we were going to some place nice. Let me go change real quick."

"No worry. You look nice. You'll be fine. I won't matter. Come on." The sun had just began to set, but it was still light enough outside to see that he just came from the pool.

"Working late?" I asked looking around.

"Yeah. I had to go back and get something. I was tired all day from no sleep and worn out from this morning. I left some stuff there, so I went back and got caught up in it."

"It?"

"Let's not worry about work tonight. All that we've dealt with this past.. however many days.. have been work, work, work. Tonight is more about you and I. It is more of a celebration."

"Celebration?"

"Of swimming, of course."  
Of course…. Swimming.

He drove hastily through town, making sharp turn after sharp turn. '_Where is he taking me_?' I thought, '_And at what speed_?!' It was getting darker and he was driving faster.

"We'll be there soon."

"Where?" I didn't recognize anything outside my window.

"The curve."

"The what?"

"We're here." He said after a pause and flying past a SLOW DOWN sign.

"That sign just –"

"I know. We're cool." Then came another DANGEROUS CURVES AHEAD.

"I really think we should slow down. It's too dark – too fast. Please."

"You can hold onto me if you need. I have done this a million times. I know we are ok. Trust me.

I had just clicked my seat belt to make sure it was secure. "Ok." I timidly replied and he took the first 'dangerous curve.'

Turn after turn, the car careen from side to side, and with us rocking with it. "Final turn," he yelled, giddy with power, and revving the engine.

As the crest of the turn approached, the car titled on two wheels, carefully careening through the curve. The car crashed back to four wheels to a loud and bouncy thud when the curve ended. I was grinding my nails into his thigh.

"You can let go. It's over."

"Huh? Ok."

"103. Seems I cannot go any faster than that."

"You probably shouldn't go that fast either."

"Relax. Will you possibly un-grip my leg too? I'm getting woozy from your claws grinding in them."

"Oh, sorry."

The rest of the evening was a blur. The first ride was exhilarating enough that I don't remember much past almost tipping over in the car. I do remember him telling me that he does that trip over and over again. Almost daily. But I don't remember getting home.

Going to work the next day was interesting. There were more cars there. I walked into a meeting of sorts at my own pool.

"And there she is," they said as I walked in. "she is the one teaching me how this pool runs. Very well I might add."

"What is all of this?" I asked with my mind still racing from last night.

"I'll show you." Greg said. "Hold on just a moment." He walked to the back room and took us downstairs. "For the past couple of weeks I have spent countless hours constructing a unified life saving unit. This Emergency Medical Integrated Lifesaving Unit, will change life guarding as we know it. EMILY awaits you," he said as he drew back a large curtain. "Lady and gentlemen, welcome to the machine."

This spectacle of wonder threw me aback, I had to leave the room. I was a little upset. All of this time I have been training him to work, and he has been off doing other things. I felt deceived. A few more days until the pool was open and we were now beginning to hit bumps.

"I wanted to tell you," he said coming up to me later in the morning after everyone had left, "but I wasn't allow to. I had signed –"

"don't bother. I was to train you and I did. I don't know why, or why me, but I have trained you. You've come a long ways.--"

"Don't be this way. Please."

"--You just have to pass my last test."

"I've come to trust you and it hurt me that I couldn't tell you. I like Shelly. We wouldn't have gone out last night if I didn't." He reached out and grabbed my hand. I stayed still. A small tear rolled down his eye. "Do you hate me now?"

"No. Shall we?"

"Shall we what?"

"Take you test." I grabbed my towel and headed to the high dive. I could see deep concern crossing his face. "Today you get to use everything you have been taught." I tied my towel on for what might be the last time Super Shelly has a cape, looked at him and said, "I trust you."

Turning around backwards, I fell off of the high dive, breached the water, and began to glide to the bottom. Being female, I knew I would be floating up, so I treaded water at the drain.

I was struggling for air by the time he actually pulled me out. "Are you nuts? You could have died there"

"But I didn't."

That day was the first day he sat down with me for lunch. Things finally seemed good to go for the beginning of the summer. I was happy once again.


	2. Ghost in The Machine

(Ghost in) The Machine

I awoke to a euphoric feeling of longing: I wanted to sleep longer. As fun as the past two weeks had been, I had no desire to go in today. Today was opening day. On top of all, Greg had kept me up later than I had wished, so I didn't get much sleep, but I can't complain.

He took me to see a late movie which not only began later than expected but was scary. "Man in the Mirror." It was where a handful of people come and go in this house they claim as haunted because there is a man staring at them through a mirror. He has done so as long as the house was there. Through all the broken mirrors and shards all over, he just seemed to pop up more and in the least expected places. It ends up the man in the mirror was the only _real_ person there.

I had an uneasy feeling about today. With EMILY still in the works and not ready to be unleashed it was just going to be us two lifeguards. Not that I didn't mind his one on one attention, I just felt that with that much heat and stress one might go a little crazy. And I still felt queasy about leaving all of those lives in the hands – arms – control of a machine – The machine. But I needed to go to work nevertheless.

My body felt numb as I stepped in the shower, but my mind was racing. The only thing I had to look forward to was Greg. The past couple of weeks with his have grown to a heightened state of ecstasy, from which I hope never to fall. My hunger pains eat at Hoolihans.

I arrived to the pool only a few minutes later than I expected, but I smelled nice! It seemed not to have mattered though as I was the only person at the pool. My mind seemed elsewhere as I began setting the pool up for opening. Sooner than I had realized, my hunger pains had grown into lunch pains. I had been cleaning and setting up for two hours by myself!

By the time I had devoured lunch, I was still alone and beginning to get worried. I tried calling him on his cell phone but it went directly to voice mail. Something seemed fishy about this, and it was NOT my tuna sandwich.

So I opened the pool solo. This was not too complex of an issue being that I have done this several times in my vast three-year stint life guarding. And besides, I am SuperShelly after all! Also, today was the beginning of free admission week and today was supposed to be one of the busiest days of the year because who can pass up a free swim? I had no other choice than to pick my one stand and sit in it all day, only kicking everyone out of the pool for the gratuitous 'life guard break' that caused a ruckus in years past. But when its just you, you have to get a break to get a drink, and even that was ended when 'volunteers' began delivering water to me for the rest of the afternoon.

By the third day of this free swim week at the new pool promo, I was getting tired of the way I was being treated. It was hot, I was not getting any down time, I was feeling dizzy, delirious, and my tuna sandwiches were beginning to smell funnier than normal.

It was on the forth day of this solitude that my towel came out, not as my normal cape, but as a tarp. The sun blared so high it became invisible. I had already decided to bring a cooler earlier in the week and have instant water instead of waiting someone to bring it to me when I threatened to have a break. I figured now if I was going to be stuck here I may as well camp out under some shade, and the towel can become damp and drip on me. This was the only coolness I got, and it worked until the drips became steam, and then it just got hotter and it smelled a bit too.

I of course reported this absence of my co-worker to the head of the pools. My concern about my wariness and quality of work wavering seemed of no great consequence to them. I was assured that everything was going as planned.

I actually arrived early to work that next day since I was unable to sleep the night before. This gave me time to think on two things: EMILY and Greg. Short lived as it may be, this _relationship_ with Greg appeared to me like I was the only one putting any effort on it. This sudden disappearance and no communication was really toying with my head.

EMILY, on the other hand, I decided to visit. I crawled into the vast area that had been set up for her and stood in the majestic layer of her elements.

"Magical, isn't she?" I heard a familiarly haunting voice behind me.

I turned to see him, Greg, hovering behind me like a vulture protecting its prey. "What?!" I asked in surprise. "What is?"

"Everything."

"What are you talking about? What's Magical?"

"Everything she does," He said nudging toward EMILY.

"And how is that? Wait, never mind. Where have you been? No calls, no warning, no nothing. I was worri-"

"I was right here. I was watching, from afar."

"But the secrets? Couldn't you have?"

"I wasn't allowed to say anything. I know, I'm sorry. We had to give the illusion that a lifeguard was still needed. We couldn't just go to EM without having the trust of the public."

"We?" I was taken aback. "Still needed? You've been here this whole time?!"

"Yeah I was making sure everything worked properly and was good for the grand opening."

"That was five days ago."

"No, it's at five today. Her opening that is, not the pools. It will be live on the news."

"So that means…"

"That means you get another day up there and that's it." Those were words that sent chills down my spine. "But hey, now that you know I am here, I might visit," he added with a smile.

And I believed him. I sat on the stand all afternoon on what had to have been the hottest day of the spring. Spring – it was still early June! How was I going to survive this staggering heat. I was already sweating more than an elephant in a sauna.

It was another fun filled afternoon of sitting in a pool of evaporated sweat and watching the swimmers squirm around like ants in Jell-O. After five days I began to see these people in a newer light. High upon my stand I sit and watch their legs writhe under them like they are kicking for their life (most I suspect actually are) and going no where. Eerily I felt I had this feeling before.

The news crews began to show up early, around three, because they needed to 'set up'. Do they really need to set up two hours before hand for a three-minute segment? No, but they had to take shots of some of these ants trying to stay alive. At about fifteen 'til five, I get to call all of the people out of the pool. Some complained a bit, but having the opportunity to possibly be on TV stifled some of that. And besides, the bigwigs were there and told us to close down.

Greg had already taken the camera crews down to get pre-shots of the machine. When I got down to the herds of inquiring minds, I was walking into the 'ceremony' already in progress.

"Aside from all those intricacies and this superior surveillance I have installed, the crux of EMILY is watching her work. We have done test runs early in the morning, highly supervised in case anything would go wrong (not like it would), and everything worked out fine.

"We tossed in children who were unable to swim (for authenticity) to trigger EMILY's system. Now before you get riled up, please just watch the video. You will see here that immediately when the child hits the water, she goes under. EMILY's alarms sound off, which we can't hear because we seemed to have bought surveillance TV"s with no sound. Regardless, watch here as the water is drained into filtered reserves under and aside the pool. The floor elevates the child to a drier and safer region without any uncomfortable step into the pool – zero entry. Out one life guard comes down, performs the needed checks on the child, who was miraculously rescued fast and is a-ok, and would walk out of the pool unassisted, except with this child, they can't walk yet. Oh here's the sound!

"Now for you skeptics, we also did a fake drown. I jumped in trying to mimic this same child drowning, and as you clearly see, except maybe those of you in the back, nothing happens but myself bobbling up and down.

"The system is perfected. All she needs is your clearance, Mr. Mayor, and the most revolutionary life saving device will be nation wide all thanks to your support and endorsements."

I watched shocked at the display that took place before me. A voice in the back of my head was screaming for me to stop him, but the words would not come out. I was not as appalled at the intentional drowning of an innocent infant as I expected myself to be. I was more furious as I realized all of this took place right before me yet in cognito. But I was even more disturbed than that as I was petrified at EMILY. I clearly saw in the back of this gigantic contraption a small girl. Even as a I reached out for her she seemed further and further away. I couldn't feel her – I couldn't feel anything. She seemed to wink at me, and then disappeared.

I left EMILY having determined that episode was one of two things. Either some little girl was not where she was supposed to be and would be getting in trouble later, or it was all in my head and I seriously needed some rest.

"I should probably let you know," Greg said as we were leaving, "you weren't training a partner, you were training a replacement."

"What?!" I was horridly shocked. "But I…."

"I didn't want to bring this sour note, but one pools not big enough for the three of us. So take some time, get some rest, then who knows, maybe you will find something. The goal was to get EMILY up and running smoothly as an independent machine. I'm only here as security, there was no basic need for you other than to 'show me the ropes.' I do recall mentioning something like that when this all began."

"I trusted you."

"You had to trust me. I had to get you to trust me for this to work. You came from a reproachful past. They've determined there is no solution to your troubled evolution. They'd rather just put it all behind.

I had nothing to say I just glared at him. I've worked all day and learning this machine was not for me to be around, I couldn't help but try to find the sign that I missed that this machine was going to be my end.

"Well… what are you going to do?" He said with a particular curiosity inflected in his voice.

I felt like a walking disaster. "I'm going to go home, take a long hot bath, and go to sleep." I figured a bath would help.

"Then?"

"Then? I don't know. We'll – I'll see – I guess." I retorted with uncertainty. This day added too much information through my brain I was going crazy inside.

The firs thing I did when I got home was light all the candles I could find in my bathroom. As I started the water for my bath, one thing popped in my head: bubbles. Bubbles are always good, and happy, and they were always fun as a kid. Why not now? Before I realized what had happened, my mind being elsewhere, I had bubbles crawling over the sides of the bathtub. More bad luck was hitting me when I got in and noticed that though it was overflowing with bubbles it was barely half full of water. Not a good way to draw a bath at all.

With no towel to cover me in case someone barged in, I shoveled the overflowing bubbles everywhere I could, the sink, the toilet, even the trash can wasn't excused. Regretfully though with all of my water flowing I suddenly had the urge to pee. I flushed, sat, and moments later I was being tickled by an onslaught of flesh bubbles growing beneath me, bubbles that soon died.

As I finally sat in a warm bath brimming with delicate bubbles, I closed my eyes and began to wish this was all a long dream. I couldn't awake, for I wished to no wake up; life was easier then. I could live in the darkness of my dreams, where I could be someone no one knows, because they are all in my head.

But if this was all a dream there was my light in the darkness to guide me? Where is the joy instead of all this sadness? Where is my happy ending? I struggled to make sense of this anymore.

The cold reality of consciousness hit me. The water was now cold and bubbleless. One faint candle still flickered by the mirror. I still had yet to shave my legs, I needed some light, and my razor was behind the mirror. I restarted hot water, hoping for more bubbles, and realizing I was too late for any more bubbles to come, I went to the candle in the mirror.

I opened my medicine cabinet housed by the mirror and thumbed around for my razor. Once I felt the sharpness prick my finger I knew I found it. This was a feeling, apparently by now, I had gotten used to because this time I didn't jerk my hand back.

I looked behind the reflection in the mirror to see the damage I had done, but it must have been too dark because I did not see myself there. So I brought my finger to my lips to taste for any blood, but I tasted nothing.

I turned on the hot water on full as it seemed to not have warmed my tub any how I had it going while I was out. Figuring my blade was dull (and was why I found no presence of blood), I changed the blades and tried it out on my legs. It too seemed dull like I was cutting hair with safety scissors. I scraped away at my legs with every side to every blade I had. I had to give up. The candle went out. I felt the pressure of another world coming closer to me.


	3. I Burn For You

I Burn For You

I opened my eyes to the pulsating sights of my heart dancing across the wall ahead of me in an empty gray room. This bouncing sight was accompanied by the rhythmic sounds of life. A large figure soon appeared hiding from behind a clipboard. "Well, good morning sunshine. I see we are feeling a bit better?" Before she gave me a chance to reply she went on, "You gave us a bit of a scare there. You seemed to have quite the accident." She put the clipboard down and a smiling old woman with long white hair appeared. "But things seem to be on the up and up now. You may be moving soon too."

'_Moving?' _I thought to myself_. 'Moving where?'_ Before I had the chance to return from my own thoughts she disappeared, and just as fast as she appeared. I had no where to go but back to my thoughts.

"Hi you must be… ah yes," he said looking at the large clipboard. "Suddenly awake are we? Well we will get you moving here in no time! I am Dr. Chance Segundo and I will be assisting you as you begin here anew. If you have any questions concerns comments or complaints please feel free to press that little red button beside you and someone will come right in." As I glanced around me to find this red button the man left. I did not even have the chance to ask him to show this button to me before his speedy exit.

What I did find was the remote to the TV. Regrettably though the television only showed three channels. . My choices were SpongeBob, Winnie the Pooh, and the channel showing a clock. I chose to watch the clock as it seemed less depressing and idiotic as the other did two. Ironically though I slipped in and out of sleep I never knew what time it was.

When I finally was conscience of day it was dark out and I had this overwhelming urge to urinate. So with a sudden smack I found myself flailing about as a fish out of water. Dangling from the edge flashing itself at me for assistance I discovered the red button. The nurse rushed herself in to a horrified gaze of me now swimming in a puddle of unused IV nutrients.

"You know," she said, "the bed is far more comfortable… and drier. Here, let me help you," she said as her hands failed to get me back up. "What happened?" she asked as we waited for someone to come help.

"I had to pee." I said swimming in my sea of me.

"I see that, but did you not notice something when you tried to get up?"

"No, I…."

"You mean you did not notice you could not stand?" Well this I did notice. It is how I found myself down on the floor. "Your legs are too weak. You may be awake now but even Rip Van Winkle did not dance on his first night up. This here is Peter. His main job here, which he could not be more elated to do, is exchange bed pans." She said as a younger man entered my room.

"Right. My life would be void if it weren't for the pools of pee I tote about." He said as I was laid back down.

"So you mean I have to use a pan? I pee in a metal cup? Can we not wheel me?"

"No sorry we have not got the staff to wheel people potty every time someone has the urge. And besides it's only temporary. Why, tomorrow we begin on your therapy."

"What if I have to… you know … go number two?"

"Well bloody hell if you miss the pan on that. Can't stand me a poopy bed sheet." Peter said walking out

"You miss the pan you deal with that basically. Good luck," she said with a smile and a wink. "By the way, while you were sleeping we removed your catheter. So your sudden need release the liquid demons is only natural. But you have the choice fulfill Peter's destiny of changing bedpans or we give you another catheter. Frankly, between you and me, it is not as much fun to stick something up in there may sound. This one is small, thin, and does not come out. No real enjoyment in it at all." She sighed with a minute frown and exited. "Oh, and one more thing. I've noticed that you only watch the clock. Anxious to get somewhere? Listen, my granddaughter likes this show called Teen Titans. So I took the liberty of recording some for you." It was a relief to not have to watch the second hands spin around anymore.

'_So I have therapy tomorrow? What is that all about_?' I thought to myself.

The next day I discovered this answer. My ears perked to the sound of dueling heartbeats bouncing across the room. I arose, slightly, only to hear an unfamiliar voice beckon me. "Good morning roomy." I opened my eyes, still blurry, to see a large bloated blob facing me. "Have a nice nap, did we?" As the mist cleared from my eyes, I noticed the lady facing me was neither as close to me as I thought, nor as old. She was a girl. "Nursie says you've got a big day planned for today. I'm Rachel. Glad to meet you, roomy."

"I'm - I'm," stuttering from my morning. "Plans?"

"Yeah, something about therapy, and ... Oh there was something else to it.... If I could just -."

"Shelly." I was suddenly more awake.

"Yes, that's all good and fun."

"Why are you - "

"Here? Well, it's much safer for me to have a baby in a hospital than out there; and cleaner. If you hadn't noticed I'm about to explode here."

"I hadn't."

"Oh, right," she said moving her bed sheets. "Twins. I haven't names for them yet. Thought I'd include dad on that, but I haven't seen him in.…" She began to count on her fingers, "what month is this?"

"I don't know."

"No big deal. I don't plan on seeing him; deadbeat that he is. I kinda left him." I could tell this girl liked to talk.

"Kind of?"

"You see -," she began, but our respective nurses came in to visit each of us. "We'll have to continue this later. Ultrasound time. I just can't stand that jelly stuff. Burr."

"And it's time for your first physical therapy session." My nurse said over Rachel's shivering.

"My what?" The pain in my throat absorbed my voice.

.

"We're going to put you in this wheelchair here and wheel you down to your first session."

"Why?"

"On the way I will fill you in. Here, let me help you." I was dropped into a wheel chair with a thud and wheeled out of my room with my IV trailing.

As they wheeled me out for my 'physical therapy,' the distance sound of a faint giggle echoed behind me. My mind, however, was averted.

"You came to us a while back," she began. "You had bled quite badly as they rushed you in. Your tendons were in horrible shape when you arrived. We salvaged what we could, sowed up where we could and did as best of a job when you came to us. However, you were not conscious, so we had to wait. Your feet have not had any pressure on them since before your incident."

"Incident?"

"You seemed to have taken a few razorblades to the ankles. You made quite a mess of things." It suddenly was beginning to make sense to me. "So now, we are going to place you in a large pool and try to get your legs back to full strength. We figured being a lifeguard and all a pool should be no problem. And in case it is, you can always give yourself CPR, right?" She chuckled at herself.

"But - But." My eyes were wide open in fear.

"I know. I was just kidding. You won't drown. And besides, you are at a hospital. You are perfectly safe."

My heart was racing. "No please." Those were the only two words I could say as I could smell the waft of chlorine building in the air.

"Its all for the best."

"Noooooooooooooo!" I screamed at the first sight of the light reflecting off of the water. "Nooooooooooooo!" I pushed back as hard as I could, not getting anywhere. I hurled myself on my feet as quick as I could and fell face first, crawling my way away from the pool as quickly as possible. Three other men came and grabbed me up and carried me back. My arms bashed at them until I could squirm out of their grasps. Nearly dropped and quickly caught by another strongman, I was forced onto a gurney.

"This might hurt." One said as he thrust something in my butt. It didn't.

I came to find myself in a field stretching out further than I can see. Paper flowers blossomed from the ground illuminated by cotton candied clouds basking in the changing technicolored sky behind. I had this funny feeling I was feeling funny, as if I was floating. Curious I turned to find a noise of tearing paper I heard behind me. A rabbit was walking away.

"Hey, wait," I yelled as I ran after it. _How am I running?_ This was not an ordinary rabbit. It stood as tall as me, taller with his ears up. It was dressed, rather casually, and ran on two legs - rather quickly.

It began to run so I chased it, to and fro, gaining close enough to hear it mumbling, but not close enough to tell. It turned behind a tree and disappeared. When I reached the tree only moments later, I was unable to find it. There was nothing for it to run and hide into. It vanished.

"The time has come little girl, to bring you back from your world."

The sound same above me. "How did you get up there?"

"Above you is not me, you see, for it is you higher than me." I found myself at that instance looking at him from above in the tree where he sat. I did not feel myself move.

"Where am I?"

"You are who?"

"I am Shelly. Who are you? And where am I?"

"Nowhere you are and nothing you seek is more important to you this week." With these words he held out his hand which produced an egg. Now on the ground, I took the egg and began to open it. As I did so, I heard another paper tearing noise. The rabbit was gone. I peeled open the egg and found a note scribbled inside:

You have crashed, no further to fall;

Now you are higher than them all.

Which is wiser, the mule who sits,

Or the mule who doesn't exist?

"What does this mean?" I yelled after it. "Where are you?" I ran around the field endlessly, until suddenly I tripped over the nothing that was there. They sky went dark.

When I found myself once more in my room, I noticed Rachel's bed was embellished in flowers, and myself mysteriously wafting in the residue of a lone rose. "Where'd this come from?" I asked her, thinking she'd know.

"We made up."

"Huh?"

"Me 'n Frank. We made up. He apologized, and bought me all these. I saw you had none so we gave you one of mine."

"Wh- what happened?" Not only was a confused, but I was a little bit dazed as well. It seemed like I had been for a long time.

"I met him at school and he asked me out. And a little while after that my boobs hurt. So I went to the doctor and he poked and prodded and came to be I was pregnant. We couldn't tell when for sure I began, 'cos frankly Frank wanted it all the time. There were times that I didn't feel like it, but that didn't matter, he always took what he wanted. We moved in together about a month ago. I dropped out of school, since I'm going to have kids and all, and I was living off him. Only problem was he got fired from his job too, so we were living off of welfare. In his words, 'free money the government gives you is great.' I lost a lot of weight then, as you can see, and I left. I was walking the streets and fell, and here I am."

"Fell?"

"The babies are alright, since they did the ultrasound. Burr."

"Fell?" She seemed to ignore the question, possibly by choice.

"Well I left one night because he started hitting me. When he started to hit me I got scared, you know, for the boys, and left. But I was so worn out; I really don't remember much after that. I found myself here, in this room."

"Sounds eerily reminiscent of my story, the finding yourself here bit, and all." I mumbled to myself. "But you made up after all that?"

"Yeah, they are his kids after all, they should have a daddy too. I don't want them to grow up like me, you know, without one."

"Even--" I dared not go on.

"Even what?"

"Nothing, nevermind."

"So this is the girl you were telling me about, eh Rach?" A hauntingly booming voice filled the room.

"Yeah this is Shelly. She's a doll." I'm a doll? Why, because I can't walk?

"And remind me again why they put you in a room with, well, the likes of her?"

"I - What?!"

"Ah, she's alright. She's a cutter. They were out of rooms, or something. Had to accommodate or something."

"I'm a what?"

"You're a cutter. Means you tried to kill yourself by cutting your arms; slitting your wrists. And by the looks of it, you did a piss poor job at it too. No scars or anything." Frank's bluntness reverberated in my head. 'Piss poor job.'

"I didn't try... I was... I don't remember. But I would never."

"Obviously you did. Now you just go back to watching your little cartoons and let us talk, k? I gotsta hear 'bout my boys." He said turning his back. "I thought I had lost you for good this time, hun. I think we should name one after me."

My eyes glared at the television amiably but without focus. Then I heard a familiar voice. "You know, you aren't going to be able to leave here unless you can walk out on your own," said a deep familiar voice.

'_Don't you have to be wheeled out?_' I thought, still delirious from the event earlier.

"I bet you are thinking you are supposed to be wheeled out," he said, "But in cases where they can't walk in, with rehab and all, walking out is a huge accomplishment. So we choose to bend the rules just a tad and say if you can walk out on your own free will, you have recovered nicely. Dr.'s orders."

Just as quick as he entered he had already left, unlike Rachel's company. Ten minutes strolled by, then twenty. Her tone of voice, her giddy laugh, all enmeshed in him. Then I heard the cue, "Hun, I'm going to get some smokes and come right back."

"You can't smoke in here. You have to go outside. But," she laughed, "we aren't going nowhere." I cringed.

"Remind me again why you two are together. He's rather... well, callous, I think." I asked moments after he left.

"I don't know what that means, but I love him."

"You left him for a reason. You tried to hide from him for that same reason. He abuses you. Do you really want your kids around that?"

"It's not your place to-"

"No, it's yours. You made the decision once. What did he say to sway you back?"

"He- Nothing." Her eyes darted around the room. "I just realized how much I missed him."

"What did he say?"

"Nothing." There was a long pause. "He - He said he'd kill us; he'd find and kill us if I didn't."

"He's killing you when you are! Do you not see how afraid you are?" From across the room I could see fear pouring down her face. "At least you can make the decision for yourself and your kids without him in the room. Make up an excuse or something, but send him away when he comes back."

"I think that is the most I have heard you say since you have been hear." The nurse appeared from the door. "But your colleague is correct," she said turning towards Rachel. "The decision is yours and yours alone. No one else should influence it."

"But he is the dad."

"But dad as he may be, he doesn't seem too fatherly." Confusion bounded across their faces as I uttered those words.

"Listen. I will divert him from coming back, you think about it." As the words ceased bouncing off the walls the nurse left our room. We could hear her trailing off to fulfill her promise.

"Hey look, you never opened your card. What's it say?" I asked after a trailing silence trying to depict what we couldn't hear.

"I burn for you." She said putting the card down. A puzzling quandary flashed upon my face. "The first time something happened he decided to show his love for me by putting his cigarette out on his arm. Every time after he'd say it to remind me 'of his sacrifice.'"

"Do you want your kids to grow up in a house where arms are substituted for ash trays?"

"Well no, not really, but-"

"Good. I told him not to return, he was a disturbance to the other patients." The nurse said looking at me. "And besides, your blood rates were way elevated with him here. That amount of stress cannot be good for anyone, particularly unborn twins. But it is time to sleep now." She said as she injected our IVs. "This will help a bit." She flipped off the lights while leaving.

For a few short, drugged up moments, I was able to take my mind off things and watch something else. For some odd reason, I had an affinity towards just one character, Nightwing, who was only in one episode. Raven was a close second. I wasn't able to finish the show though, because whatever was dripping down my IV put my to sleep. I dozed off during the end of the Teen Titans.

I heard a noise at my bedside. I looked to see that rabbit there, looking down at my clipboard and me. Without saying a word he left.

"Wait! Come back!" I got out of bed and began to follow him. He was at the doors leaving the hospital. I began to run after him, reaching the doors, pushing through, and found myself once more in the field of paper flowers, but this time it was night. "Wait!!" I called after it again, but this time it stopped. Out in the field I felt that sensation again like I was floating.

"Try and try and try as you might. You are much higher than a kite."

"What did you mean last time? With the mules and all?"

"Manners at least you could show to I. Can we at least not say high?"

"Hi?

"Shh." He quieted me with his paw to his mouth.

"Well I have-"

"Shh." Once more this oversized rodent silenced me. Confused, I waited. "Great things come to those who wait, but wait you must else it's too late." He reached out his paw again and handed me another egg.

Starring at it, I could only remember how confusing the previous egg was. "How will I know when it is too late?" I asked looking up, but again he was gone.

I opened the egg expecting the worst. I was not let down:

Stars are brighter when they're shooting;

O're the ground as it is rooting.

Serenade yourself in sleep beep;

Beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep

I woke up to the alarming sounds of the monitors across the room. I don't know how much time had passed. The space across from me was illuminating the room. "Rachel, wake up," I screamed to deaf ears. "Rachel!" The nearest wheelchair was 20 feet from my bed. My IV bag empty, I ripped myself from all of my machines. The empty echo's of my heartbeat no longer dancing across the screen became faint to the sounds of people rushing by outside. I fell onto the floor to crawl into a wheelchair resting motionless across the room. Once I wheeled over to her side, I began the most pervasive shake I have done to anyone. "RACHEL, something's wrong!"

"It hurts, stop the hurt."

"What? Where? Where does it hurt?"

"Stomach. I feel sick." When I reached my hand down her gown, all I could feel was the hollowness of her skin.

"Something's not right. You aren't – "

"AAAAGGH." She was.

"I don't know how to do this. Um. Let me get someone. Push the button. Call the nurse." I could tell it was too late. Her bed oozed of fluid. "I don't know what I am doing!"

"Pull it out. It hurts, pull it out."

""You mean –" She grabbed my arms and threw me under her raised legs. "Ew." It was quite… icky.

"Pull it out!" I closed my eyes and reached under. I could feel something. It was sticky. I'm just a kid, I'm not supposed to be doing this, though it seemed rather empowering.

"This does not feel right." It seemed to turn, by itself, and came out. "That is one." Knowing there was another, and in the frantic time, I placed it right under her legs. I hadn't anywhere else right then. "Ok, I can't feel the second." It lay before me, squirming around, wide awake, and crying furiously. "I think it's fine. I think SHE is fine."

"She?"

"Yeah no pe-"

"AAAAGGH."

"What was that?"

"It's worse. Get it out."

I could still see the umbilical chord trying to make its way through. "What if I pull, clear the room, and get the other out quicker?"

"Just, whatever, hurry. It hurts too much."

As I pulled, something pulled back, stronger. "This baby has muscles." As I kept working it slowly out, I realized it wasn't the baby pulling back, it had twisted around the baby. Each pull tightened on it. "It's suffocating him." I reached my hands in and, as delicately as someone with no experience doing this could, pulled it out. It didn't cry. I spanked it; still no crying. "I have bad news."

""What's, what's wrong?"

"Listen, let's just clean them up. Maybe we are ok. I will go to the bathroom and get some water. I will be right back."

"Don't leave me." It was too late. I had already wheeled into the bathroom to find towels to clean the new additions to the room. Too few in number, one hovered over my head suspended in a taunting fashion. The only way I could get it was to stand. Without thinking I was dumb enough to try, unsuccessfully."

I opened the door to find myself outside once more. This time I found a strange figure in the distance of the open field of flowers. When I approached, I discovered it was a little girl. "Who are you?"

"What lies here is a world for your escape; a sleeping beauty among thorns."

"But – "

"Your visit to this reality that is chaotic to your own was unsuspected. I have a message for you."

"But how can you have – If I'm – Where is the rabbit?"

"He has other eggs to deliver." She said handing me a golden egg. "You must go back now." I read the words as they disappeared into the towel that I was now holding.

The time to rise comes soon at hand;

From dust in ground to burning sand;

That which you have treasured the most;

Passes forward from host to host.

I rose in a sweat to alarming sounds of people rushing by outside the door. I got up with a massive bump on my head and a headache so strong I could not feel or hear anything. I pushed open the door and everyone was gone.

I clambered back in my wheelchair and wheeled outside. I wheeled over to my bed and I rammed my little red button and waited. Scared, after a few frantic minutes, I found myself at deaths door. Scampering up out my door, I made the decision of life.

I wheeled down the hall, alone, through a rushed mass of frenzied people, all oblivious to my presence. That is all but the pimply orderly who ran me over. He ran off leaving me on the ground with a chair that wheeled no more. I was stuck in the hospital with no place to go. A greater commotion was rushing past me. More people had frantically awaken to the alarming sounds echoing through the hospital. Sheared ankles or not, I have to make it out alive. Solo. Finding the nearest counter to me, I strained myself to my feet. Wobbling forward, barely afloat, everything around me had disappeared. No people, no screams, no alarms, just a bright white door facing me. I stumbled with one foot in front of the other through the door, took a few paces, and collapsed on the concrete. Outside.

When I got to Rachel, she was sitting up with just one baby in her arms: the girl.

"She's fine. She will be ok. She will never know her brother, but at least she made it."

"Does she have a name?"

"Not yet, but I was thinking about that. I was wondering if I could…"

"Name it after me?"

"Well just the middle name."

"And the first?"

"Grace Shelly."

"Eh?"

"She is only here by the grace of you, Shelly."

As we sat there watching the flames burn what once was our home, she turned to me with a sudden shock in her voice. "I'm thinking I will keep to what I said earlier."

"What's that?"

"The boy. He can have his dad's name. The boy never had a chance to live, and thanks to dad, who's dead to me too." With a lone tear in her eye she looked down at Grace mumbling "He burned for us too."

"That is rather ... Where is he?" I asked as she looked towards the smoke barreling towards the sky; but I already knew.

"I don't think I can thank you enough. You saved my baby. You're a super girl. Just, super, Shelly. It's a wonder you're not a superhero."


	4. Beautifully Broken

Beautifully Broken

_I can see my world_

_Like an open book I've once read_

_But the chaos has swirled -_

_I've lost my pill and now I'm numb._

**Before we get started, let me first introduce myself. I am Dr. St. John and I will be your guide on this journey to recovery. I see you got your journal I left for you for your arrival.**

From the moment I stepped into this place I was scared. I felt like an outsider, trapped and homeless, in a state of chaos. All I wanted to do from the first day was to get out, and maybe go home.

The rules are pretty simple. Get up when they tell you, do what they tell you all day, then go to bed when they tell you. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, social groups, rec time, education time, therapy- we have to do everything they tell us. Even our idle time is told to us. I've even heard rumors that they held breakfast until 1 because someone wasn't standing right.

And when you don't do what they ask, you suffer. You either get the boot, the belt, the hole, isolation, or the sheer embarrassment of humiliation in front you're the peers. They instill their "discipline" from day one.

_Pain is the pill I dent_

_My soul, for nothing else is real_

They say the first day is the worst. My 'initiation' happened during lunch. With everyone already staring at the 'new girl,' I was brought out to the center of the room, de-frocked, and told I had to roll a ball of break across the room – with my nose. If having to push this ball against the roaring laughter of the room was not enough, having the paddle to swat me every time I missed only added injury to insult. It also made me miss more – which only in turn swatted me more.

_I'm trapped in a silent_

_Scream that only I cannot hear_

One good thing that came from all of this was that I got my own room. They tell me it is due to my "instability" and they think I may cut again. I tried to tell them that I don't know what they are talking about. With the room being down detention, or isolation, hall they assured me that I was not in trouble. Frankly, I am just happy to be away from the crazies.

**Are you getting along with your peers? Are the other girls treating you ok?**

Those who did not pay attention in their initiation became my neighbors. Sounds of screams rang down the hall as the workers enforced their directions which were not followed and brought them to by neighborhood. Their defiance, I hear, is from them not wanting to comply with the self-defacing domineering commands of the worker.

_I am isolated_

_In my insecurities_

Although I was forced to interact with my peers in groups and therapy, I tried hard to stay away from everyone whenever I could. After enough time I could figure out why they were all here and I didn't want to catch it. I used eating as my refuge from the insanity. Breakfast was not too bad, people were still pretty groggy. By dinner people were worn down from the lunacy of the day. At lunch, though, everything was in full swing.

On top of all of that, lunch was still the 'initiation' time. Once a week all of the newcomers would race their bread balls across the room. The winners were allowed to continue with their lunch, the losers had to lay back on their knees for the rest of lunch, only letting their hair touch the ground and nothing else.. This was justified as "not following directions" since they were all told to win. Those who raced alone did not have to worry about losing or laying on their knees; having 100% attention from the room was humiliating enough.

I have seen several races of this kind since being there; the only saving grace they have is to implant in their minds the laughter is all for the other people. I was, however, unfortunate to watch a solo race.

The worker in charge of the lunchroom yelled for attention and announced the presence of a new girl, "This is Betsy. She is new." This new girl with bandages all over her struggled and fell as roars of laughter pillaged her morale; but I ate on. I tried to ignore this plundering exhibition but there was something about this girl that intrigued me. Her bright green eyes far out shadowed the red on her arms, and for that glimpse of a moment I could feel her pain. I slipped out before the race had ended.

We're not supposed to leave the group without permission, but in emergency situations they would rather us not have a mess for us to clean up. Normally they would put is in isolation for leaving (with the theory that 'if you want to leave the group and be by yourself, we'll give you your own room!'), but where were they going to send me, my room?

Outside I found a sign for a Midsummer's Eve Masquerade Party. Everyone was invited – mandatory for residents – MYOM (Make your own mask). This was the first that I heard about it and it sounded utterly dreadful. Thankfully there were no reminders down isolation hall; I had a month to forget all about it.

_And my mind is tainted_

_As it wallows in confusion_

I sat thirty days in my hole trying to find the best way to get out of the masked ball. Every thought that came to me was nixed by the fear of being roomed down the girl's wing with the normal crazies. I much preferred the isolation I got from being down the detention wing.

**Have you made any friends since you have been here?**

One bad thing about being where I am is that I can never leave until I am let out. The doors locked on my side but not on the outside. There have been times they forgot about me for a while (which I would only miss appointments and get sent back in here); but then there were problems.

"You've got to help me. You've got to help me, Please!"

"Who, What? Who are you?" She startled me from my sleep, standing in my doorway; her body naked and glistening with sweat. "Wait, you look familiar. How do I know you?"

"You!" She exclaimed. "You're the one that left on my first day. You left when-"

"Are you ok? Your bandages are red." My consciousness was coming back to me. "You're…. Betsy? I'm Shelly."

_For me, time used to weave_

_A place where happiness roamed – now_

_Happiness is achieved_

By self-gratifying measures

"They keep putting these stupid bandages on me; I keep taking them off. This place is no different than any other place I have been. Why bother covering the scars they made? I just need to get out of here."

"They did that? All of those – are them?"

"No, but it's a very good reason why I'm here."

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Do you really want to know?" She retorted as she removed the rest of her bandages, sizing me up with disdain.

"Yes."

"Well ok, here goes…. I have been in and out of the foster system since I was eight years old. I have been through abuse, neglected, I was starved, locked in rooms, I have been all over. When I hit maturity, they let me out more. I had my first encounter the day I turned 13. It was my birthday present; I even had to unwrap it.

"I never willfully did any of this. I was… coerced. They held the home over me; either I relented to their digressions or they sent me back; I relented. Anything was better then going back, and it didn't happen too often, maybe once a month. Plus they gave me a drink – to lessen the pain. It only stung a bit going down.

"And who is going to believe me if I told anyone? I am just one small voice in a castle of insanity. I tried to tell once, but it only made things worse for me. Eventually people found out. I was removed from one home and put in another but everything just kept following. Eventually I started to come to places like this.

"The first place was okay. They accommodated a bit. I liked it there but I was forced to leave, again. They found a 'home' for me without a man around. There was not man IN the home, but there was a steady flow of men; the first time I got paid was there. I stayed only a couple of months.

_The emptiness fills me_

_Surrounding hollowness inside_

"From there I went to another place like this. This place gave me the best and worst aspects to my life. Staff took me to one of these rooms isolated from the rest of the building and impregnated me in there. I was used on a regular basis until they found that out – and then I was quickly moved. I had no idea who the father was. They moved me to a safe place where I could have my baby then they moved me some more.

_To fill the void I see_

_Life I stole from other people._

"Fifteen months. Fifteen months I had some joy in my life. After all of the pain and abuse I had been through I finally had something to live for. The rapes and the abuse, they continued, but I was numb to it all; I had my darling Nicky. Fifteen months and they took my darling Nicky from me.

"For a year my every breath was to find my baby. And do you know what I found? The father- _A_ father – claimed it as his. Since I was still in the custody of the state he was able to quite easily keep me from keeping my own child."

"So he's got the baby? Nicky?"

**I want you to tell me about the scars on your legs. Can you tell me how you got them?**

"No. It was a long journey trying to find him, and when I did I found out he killed Nicky. They took my darling Nicky from me after fifteen joyful months and smothered him. They suffocated him in his sleep."

"I'm so sor-"

"Once I found that out my determination to be with him stuck and I started cutting myself. I now had nothing to live for – my joy was lost in a vacuum of despair.

_Nothing is real but it_

_Is real if I want to believe_

"They find me – every time. It's too hard to cut on the inside and often I don't have the strength to carry it out all the way. These bandages are them covering me up – covering up the scars they made on me – the scars they made me do. All these bandages do is hide the truth they don't want to accept." Time passed as words could not come to me. "What's your story? Why are you here?"

"They tell me I took some razor blades to my ankles. I keep trying to tell them I didn't but no one seems to believe me. How are you going to get out?"

"I'm going tomorrow night."

"But the dance is tomorrow. They are checking to make sure everyone is there."

"Oh, I'll be there but I plan to use that time as a way out. Everyone will be in masks, right? They won't know who I am!"

"You don't want to get caught, though, and tied back up."

_Just as the pain I get_

_Is the pain I bring on myself_

"Your honesty is so beautiful, naïve, but beautiful. I remember seeing the condemnation in your eyes, the disgust, the pain; we are alike, you and I." A nervous panic rushed through my stomach as her gaze penetrated my eyes. "I want to hold you, steal your pain – make it of my own."

"Steal my…" I was lost in her.

"You know what, you are super, Shelly; the best thing in here." A most wonderful thing happened after she spoke those words. Raw, naked, and withered before me, she whispered in my ear, "I haven't loved anyone since I loved Nicky. I want your love." Her lips delicately brushed mine chasing the butterflies in my stomach away. It was euphoria in the basement of hell.

When I woke up on the morning of the dance she was gone, but she left a profound impact. Maybe If I do this dress up thing, then maybe I can prove to them I don't belong there. Maybe they won't recognize me.

_There is no room for me_

_As long as I am trapped in my_

_Separate reality_

_I can't take care of anything_

Since today was the masquerade party, the staff were all fairly nice to us. They gave us a rack of dresses to choose from. I was the only one not to have made a mask yet, so I gathered as many things as I could to piece together an exquisite mask to go with the gown I chose. I spent the rest of the day making the best mask – ever.

**What do you think about this Midsummer's Eve Party we're going to have? It sounds like fun to me. I plan on being there. It'll be a great chance for you to mingle with people and maybe get to know them on a different level. Maybe even up close and personal, but without knowing who they are; you know, with the masks and all.**

With all of the resources I could use I tried to doll myself up. After all, this was my first big dance and I needed every reason to show them I belonged on the outside. The room we were escorted to was all decked out with streamers, banners, and balloons. There was a huge dance floor in the middle of the room with a mirror ball spinning above it. Clothed tables with candles were surrounding the floor, complete with thin glasses with something bubbling in it. It couldn't be wine; but I don't remember getting my meds.

A tall clown stepped out into the middle of the dance floor carrying a bicycle horn and addressing the congregation. "Ladies and germs. I thank you all for taking the time out of your busy day to visit us at this annual Midsummer's Eve Masquerade Ball. We know tickets were in high demand (honk honk). While we get a head count let me recite a few jokes. How does a mummy dry off after a shower? It wraps itself in toiler paper! (honk honk) What is gay, sounds like you and me, and has lots of rings? A Homophone. (honk honk) Well by the looks of things I am being told we are all here, but I have one more. What does a gay man and a crazy man both hate to wear? A straight jacket (honk honk). Alright, so now, without much further ado – Let's Go Crazy!" he shouted flinging his arms in the air as loud thumping music blasted our ears.

Crazy was an understatement. Everyone was dressed ridiculously. People were in mismatched shows trying to dance on the floor and falling over. They had two left feet- literally!

One thing I noticed was there were two different kinds of costumes – those of us with paper masks and those with fancy masks., and it seemed that they tended to only mingle with each other.

I decided to go to the back table to have something to drink, other than whatever it was on the tables that I just did not trust. In the back of the room there were two punch bowls full of punch; one was labeled 'Spiked Punch' and the other was labeled 'Punch That's Spiked.'

"Which one of these do I want?" I asked the person nearest – a man in a tall hat.

"How do you want to feel?" was his reply.

"Huh? Which one is better?"

"Well the spiked punch is good – but I think the punch that's spiked has a better kick to it."

"But I don't want spiked punch."

"Then have the punch that's spiked."

"I don't want that either. What is the difference?"

"Why don't you try a little of each and see with one you like the most," he suggested placing two full cups of each in front of me.

"Maybe… I don't know…." I said pondering his proposal.

As I reached out for one of the cups, two separate hands seized them from right in front of me. "Hey, I was about to take that!" I said seeing the hands were attached to a man and a woman, each dressed quite peculiarly. "Who are you…"

"Ah, Ah! Can't tell you that!" The man said.

"… Supposed to be?" I finished.

The woman spoke first. "I'm He Ra, Ma-"

"She Ra." The man corrected.

"She Ra, Master of –"

"Princess."

"She Ra, Princess of the Universe."

"Princess of Power," he said rolling his eyes.

"Right. She-wa, Princess of Power."

The man sighed, "She is She Ra, Princess of Power. I'm her brother – Batman."

"Batman?"

"Yeah, ain't Batman's name Adam?"

"No it's Bruce."

"But he was played by an Adam! Say, do you want to see what's on my utility belt?"

"Um, no. No thanks." I said stepping away slowly, tripping over everything behind me.

_Pleasure is now behind_

_Large shrouds of invisible pain_

I was still looking out for Betsy, but struggling to find her. After a while of not seeing anything I realized I have seen every inch and scar of her, this should not be as difficult as it was. I was looking at the wrong places. I couldn't get past the masks.

She Ra and Batman kept sloshing at the punch table for quite a while after I left them. I ran into the clown a few times as he was trying to make me balloon animals. "Do you want a worm?" He kept asking. "A snake? Would you like a snake? I've got a mighty python just for you. Let me pull it out of my pants. I will even let you blow it up." I had to graciously decline; no one really wants a purple snake anyway.

_Impossible to find_

_As my shouts fall upon blind ears._

After the third time of the clown imposing his expanding anaconda skills on me, a commotion started on the other side of the room.. "Let me go! Let me go I said!" A familiar female voice was screaming. Could it have been her?

By the time I got in eyesight of the scuffle She Ra was drenched in punch. "Let me go! He did that on purpose! He wasted my punch!"

"You aren't the Princess of Power. You are the Princess of Pansies. You can't hold your liq – punch." Barked Batman back at her.

Standing there dripping red all down her white gown with tears of punch streaming down her cheeks, she screamed, "Hold it? You threw it at me. You took it out of my hands and tossed it at me!"

The man in the large tall hat stepped in. "The punch is all gone, there is no more. She drank it all up."

"That f***ing whore," concluded Batman.

She Ra looked up at the men restraining and supporting her up. "Take me away," she whispered to them tormentingly.

"That's right, you whore. Run back to the hole you came from."

"Take me away," she said louder.

"Run away," Batman screamed back. "Run back to your self-deluded –"

"Sir, that's too much," Said the hatted man.

"-Disillusioned, whiny –" He yelled slapping her in the face. Her mask split and fell doubly to the floor. She looked up in tears.

"You're over the line!"

"The world doesn't revolve around you!" He screamed up close in her face.

"TAKE ME AWAY!" She Ra Screamed – kicking and pulling away.

"This party is over," said the clown. "Everyone needs to go back to where they came from. Someone turn on the lights."

Now remember when the party is over and the lights come on, you should take off your mask. It's not a good idea to go back to your room under the guise of whoever you were pretending to be.

Back in my room I found my journal with a note written inside:

_When you live inside a glass house._

_Where there whole world can see _

_You can't weaken up and forget _

You can be super too.

This is my life, what does that doctor know – diagnosing me. He knows nothing. I used to have a cape; I soared. Now I feel more chained down; stuck on a roller coaster ride soaring faster to the ground. I will never get anywhere playing this my way. Maybe it's time to play pretend and join in their game. I met one beautiful person in here, which is more than outside this place. Maybe there is are more misunderstood people in here, like me.


	5. The Last Taco

The Last Taco

Alas the last taco sits and waits in petrifaction. But before I put my mouth on her, I bask in its ever-present deliciousness. Calmly she lies glistening with sauce. Desire fills me for the want of another bite. Every bite should be savored, for this is the end. Fingers tightly wrapped around this delicacy in hopes to not to miss a bit. Gingerly I caress it and slowly bring her towards me. Her meat fully dripping with sauce has now become the only satisfaction to the cravings that I wish to endure no longer. I am out of my mind to think this long and this hard over her, here sitting in front of me teasing me as her dressing falls before her. Just as I go in for the kill, I remember I need a towel to clean up the mess her juices are bound to make. Keeping her firmly in my grasp I finally put my lips around her and gorge in on her ecstatic pleasure. Leaving but hardly a trace I devour as much as I can. My mouth salivates over her as I eat her whole.

No more is left and I sigh for the want of another bite. One more go is all I ask but my cries go unheeded. Pleading against my heart and finding no means to pay for my salvation, I strain to move on.

Quietly I remember how this journey began. Real hunger had made its calling. She got dressed up on the spot, not knowing she would be eaten by SuperShelly. There's something in the way she wooed me that brought me to her. Ultimately, I think, it was unadulterated affection. Violent at times, for I did bite hard, but she was still worth my time.

With time behind me, I wonder if I will have another like her… or if I _want_ another like her. Xenial she was. Yellow her skin was, and soft to the touch, she finished off what others before her had begun. Zen will remember all that she was... the last taco.


	6. Smile

It says here in the transfer papers that have also been diagnosed with a thing called Depersonalization. Do you know what that is? It's where you detach yourself from the world and have "out of body" experiences. It also says that you cut yourself and you tend to isolate yourself from others. It says that you don't acknowledge any of this and you are often in your own world. I tell you all of this so that we are on the same page. At least you know what I know about you and it's a starting point to help you on your road to a healthier you.

We are grounded more here and you are going to have to associate yourself with your peers. Have you anything you wish to say? No? We are rooming you up with one of our more long-standing residents. I think the two of you will get along well. You want to isolate yourself and she can't see you. It's a win – win situation in my book. You could be at least be a little happier about this! If not, then let me introduce you to your roommate, Ashley. She will show you to your new home.

_This is not my home._

Smile

Ashley was a very peculiar usher to the room as I was the one that led her the entire way. Just because she is blind does not mean she is not there; isolation means leaving me alone, blind or not.

"So where did you come from?" she was asking as we walked down too many halls. "How old are you? I'm 17. Turn here. I'm glad they paired me up with you. I haven't had a roommate in a while. I don't know how long, because I can't see a calendar or really know how many days it's been. It's too hard to count being blind and all!" Apparently what this girl lacked in vision she made up with being annoying. In fact I think she over compensates in that area. "After we unpack all your stuff, we have group to go to. I assume that we do, I mean I do, and they usually put people together by where they go." Oh great, she'll be with me everywhere. "Group starts at 2 PM sharp. But I don't know what time it is. Even though my watch is digital, I still can't tell time!" This is going to be a long, long stay, I can tell already. I am not sure how long I can ignore her before I strangle her. At least she won't see it coming.

She was right, though; I was in that group with her. I was in everything with her, as she pointed out, but our group session was first. It was just my luck too because as I led her into the room, she said in a very loud voice, "We have a new girl!" Christ, I've been announced. "Her name is…. Um… (what's your name?)" She never even bothered to get my name! "I've been talking so much taking her around the building I never stopped to get her name!"

"My name is Shelly," I said in a hushed and pissed tone.

"Hi Shelly!" The whole room shouted in excited unison. Apparently I'm grouped with a handful of very excitable and chatty girls. I think I have been transferred to hell, and the devil's name is Ashley.

A circle of chairs was lined out in an otherwise vacant room. The same therapist that first met with me when I first arrived was at the head of the chairs; he was the only one seated until he called the congregation together. "Today in group we are going to discuss our fears. What fears we have and maybe, just maybe we'll start digging to the root of the origins of these fears. Anyone want to go first?"

Ashley rose her hand first and without hesitating to be called on, began answering, "I'm afraid of falling. Ever since I lost my sight I have been afraid of miss stepping and making a huge fall, or something like that."

"That makes sense. Anyone else?" As the therapist went around the room asking for everyone's phobias, I struggled to tune out their fears of spiders, roller coasters, old men, or clowns.

However, my ears pricked up when one girl said her fear was tampons. I smirked when she continued, "Nothing should go up in there, especially if it doesn't come right back out!"

"And what about you, Miss Shelly. What is your fear?"

"Water." I sullenly replied starring at the floor.

"And why is that?" he asked. I continued to stare at the floor. "Oh that's right. We don't talk about these things because we still don't accept the reality they exist. Sorry Shelly, but they exist in a very real way. That is one thing you will have to accept now that you moved here." I continued in my silence, mulling over the pain and anguish I have endured these recent years. My heart had been shattered in to as many pieces as days that I have been away from home – a place I barely remember and feel even less.

"Shelly? Are you alright? Shelly?" I awoke to the therapist leaning over me, splashing cold water on my face. "I fear you zoned out on us there," he said with a smile. "Fear? Get it? Come on, you need to lighten up!" Everyone else was gone. "Fine, be that way. Do you remember your way back to your room? Or shall I take you?"

Without your umbrella to keep

Me warm, I shiver. The

Absence of your beacon shines deep;

Blinding me. Now I see

No form, just shadows as they pass.

"Welcome home. Feel any better?" I had not been in the room more than a few moments and she knew I was there. "I said do you feel any better. You kind of left us in there." If I ignore her, maybe she will think she is talking to the wall. "I know you are here, I smelled you when you walked in. I heard you shuffle in the room too. You may as well fess up to it."

"Yeah I'm here. I've had a long day so I'd just like to take a nap – if that's alright with you."

"It's fine with me, I'll just keep reading my books."

"They have Braille books here?"

"No these are picture books. I read them so much quicker."

"Goodnight."

"Say do you want me to wake you for dinner?"

No, I thought. "Sure." But I didn't go to sleep. I just laid there thinking that I'm not the same girl that I used to be. I still remember the sun warming my back, but somehow it seems colder now. The happy-go-lucky fun loving girl is barely a distant memory and I left no breadcrumbs to retrace my steps. I can still see her and feel her and hear, but I'm not her. She was everything I am not; she truly was super; I'm just-

"Shelly? Are you awake? It's time to go." As I walked her down the hall the thought occurred to me that they matched someone who lives outside themselves to be the eyes of someone else; how pathetic.

Dinner was a success. The Chatty Cathy Crew left me alone and just gossiped the entire time. I actually didn't mind walking the blind back to her room after that. Maybe it's a start of something good. "Hey Shels? Can I call you Shels? Can I ask you a question?"

"What's that?"

"Can I feel you?"

"What?!" My body is private. "I really need to get to know you before I let anyone do that." The last person I let touch me disappeared. I really have to trust them to do that ever again.

"Just your face. It's the only way I can see you since I can't see."

"Sure, if that is all." As her hands delicately moved across the lines of my face, I thought of a question. "Ashley, why do you call this home?"

Her hands quickly withdrew from my face as she backed away from me. "This is home because this is all I remember. I have been here as long as I can recall. Sure I have been other places, but I have always returned here." I don't want to be here forever, I thought to myself. "And besides," she said crawling into her bed, "some people say home is where the heart is. I tend to think that home is where ever you make it." If home was where the heart was, then my shattered heart would have me at home all over the place, and this place was not one of them.

The next morning I woke to an absent Ashley. Which was good in that it was peaceful, but I had no idea what was coming for the day, and I was getting used to that. After breakfast I returned to an Ashley drowning in her own tears. "What's wrong?"

"I believe them every time. Every time they say they can cure me I go along with it. And every time I return, blinder than–"

"Shelly. It's time for your therapy now." Of course it is.

The long walk to the therapist was not long enough; and our session was not short enough. Even since before I was taken out of home, I have had this feeling I was being watched. It seems worse than ever now. It's hard to explain, but I tried anyway. "I feel that I'm trapped in the eyes of a stranger. Sometimes I feel like a puppet, but the funny thing is I feel more real and more alive then; like the passion of life is burning inside me and I have to let it out. It's just that I this puppet is on stage less and less." I started to tune out the therapist when he started spouting his theories on random things, depression, paranoia, and other things. I went back to my room with a feeling of vulnerability having accomplished nothing.

I returned to the room finding Ashley still huddled in the corner in small puddles of her own tears. This was the up and down case I discovered with her on a regular basis. I would often return from my own therapy sessions in shambles of my own to find her weeping from her own despair. Then came the day I left for my session and arrived in the office to the therapist in a very disarrayed and disheveled fashion. "We're going to have to skip therapy today, Shelly. We've had a terribly aggressive bit with Ashley just before and though we aren't sure if we got too terribly far, we didn't have much time to prepare for your time. Hope it's alright with you, but let's skip today, shall we?" He said cracking a grin at me. I simply turned and returned to my room. Unfortunately for me, Ashley was hysterically crying in the room this time.

"Are you ok?" I tried to ask her between sobs? "Are you – " it seemed like a fruitless effort. I wasn't going to be able to get past her wallowing. I turned my efforts to my journal, now that I had extra time for it.

"No," she said in between sobs. "It all hurts too much."

I hesitated, not sure if she was talking to herself, or me. "Wha- What do you mean?" I stuttered through.

"You, you don't want to know," she said and turned back toward the wall behind her bed. "Not really."

"I- I don't think that… that I can take much more."

"Much more of what?"

"They promised…. They promised."

"They promised what? And who are they?"

She sat there in silent repentance for several moments. "I was six when it happened. He took me into the bedroom, leaned me over the bed, and told me to look at the mirror. 'This is how people show their love.' Pain, tear blurry pain was all I could see; it was the last thing that I saw. Before it was all done he said 'Now be daddy's little girl and don't tell anyone, and I may show you more of how much I love you.'

"It is all but a memory now – how beautiful the world was – before. Every time it happened, mom left, most often to the store. When she went shopping she was gone long enough. Every time things got darker and colder.

"They didn't know I was blind right away. It was kinda gradual. Things started to get blurry; I remember where things were. I listened to the tv. The shows were better in my head that way. Then I started to run into walls and doors. It wasn't until I nearly got hit by the ice cream truck did we realize I was blind.

"My father. The man you trust from the beginning. Fathers aren't supposed to hurt their little girls."

"But I don't understand what –" She cut me off, or didn't hear me.

"I came here when I was 8 the first time. I started therapy right away. About a month in did they find that dad caused my being blind. He… he r- raped me stupid." She hesitated and crawled out of her corner. "Initially they tried a whole bunch of different stuff. Nothing worked. They said my eyes were fine and they didn't know why I couldn't see. After about a year of failed experiments they decided to retrace steps.

"You know how when someone gets hit on the head they forgot everything, but you hit them again, it all comes back?"

"I'm not sure that's real. I think it's just in the movies."

"That is what they did to me. They took turns."  
"Who?"

"The rapists."

"The rapists?"

"The – the therapists. I can't have kids either. My uterus has been desecrated. It's been butchered, battered, filled with disease and pain." She took a long pause before saying any more. "Home. Home isn't where the heart is. Home is where you want it to be. I don't ever want to go back to the place I came from – with 'dad.' This place, I'd rather be here. They at least are nice to me here, they don't make me relive it as often, and when they do I can't feel it anymore. It's when they get my hopes up, or when a new rap- sorry therapist joins on. I'm like initiation for the new staff here."

I was dripping in sweat as she ended her story. As she spouted her story, I could feel a surge of heat rising within me. It felt like a rush of warm water as the sun is beating down on me. It felt like life was knocking at the door. But it was just someone getting us for lunch. I needed a towel to dry off with first I told them. _I needed a towel._

I weaken and crumble

From the absence of foundation

Supporting my humble

Stature.

Ashley didn't say anything to me until I was finishing my vanilla pudding at dinner. In a hushed tone, she asked me, "Why are you in here?" After weeks of my residence in this place did she ask. I got up, threw my trey away, and left. I was still uncomfortably warm.

Ashley returned to the room a while after I had. For the first time since I walked in the room, she didn't say anything to me. We sat together in our own silence; myself in my journal, her in her picture books. I couldn't concentrate long though. "I cut myself," I whispered to her.

She stirred up at me. "You what?"

"I cut myself."

"Just now?"

"Everything crashed down on me at the same time. I felt used, I felt manipulated, I felt distrusted."  
"So you cut yourself."

"Well, no. I don't remember."

"What do you mean you don't remember?"

"I remember… I remember my boyfriend humiliating me and laughing at me and I lost my job. I think I lost my job. I don't remember. I went home and started a bath, lit a candle, added bubbles… and-" I stopped, failing to bring words to my mouth.

"And?"

"I don't remember."

"What do you remember??"

"I… I woke up in a hospital. I couldn't walk. And I can't go near water."

"So if I do this," she said picking up a glass of water she had with her, splashing it at me, missing me most of the time. "Does it freak you out?"

"No. Large bodies of water." I said backing away, trying to stay dry. "I can handle that." I said pulling my towel and covering her up with it. We laughed and caused enough of a disturbance someone came down the hall to get us in tell us to stop. We crawled back in our beds and the lights were turned out. "Can I ask you something?" I said in the dark.

"What's that?"

"Picture books. Why picture books?"

"I can't really read that well. It's all bumps or flat pages. I want to read I want to be able to. The school says so much about how reading is important that I am left out."

"I'm sorry."

"Really though, it just makes for shorter books when I have to do a book report for school." For the first time in longer than I can remember, I laughed myself to sleep that night.

The air lingers pungent

Odors; suffocation

Comes without your freshness. I've spent

My share of elation,

I am running. Everything is black all around me. I can hear water; following; chasing. I look behind me and a wave is growing. It rises to tower over me, turning Goliath in size. I try to run faster. I see a light in front of me. I run to the light. The wave follows; faster; bigger. I feel behind me trails of water dripping off my hair. It gets closer until the crest is over my head.

Under the light is a mirror; a tall mirror. I stop at the mirror looking in it to see my reflection. All I see is darkness – like looking through the mirror. In the distance I see something – walking; getting bigger. It's me. I am on fire.

I hand me a towel through the mirror. As I grab for it, I am pulled through to the other side. As I do the water crashes over her. Water floods in front of me burying the mirror, but never crosses through; I stay dry.

When the water starts to go away, I still see me standing there – steam flowing from all around me - the fire growing higher. As it keeps falling, the fire lessons and I see her, clearly. She is beautiful. She starts to walk away with foot trails of fire dissipating with every step. I try to go after her but I am stuck on this side of the mirror. I bang, I yell, she does not turn. She walks away on my side of the mirror. I see a chain dangling beside me. I pull it; the light goes out.

I wake up.

My tongue will not comply, for your

Flavor has been away

A while. My heart will beat no more,

Only just cry.

Behind closed doors, the therapist beckoned me to sit in the chair just adjacent to his. Being the only option, and I was still not quite awake, I complied. "Who are you?" Asked the therapist. "I mean really, who is Shelly?" I looked at him in confusion, but I was still a little groggy. "Are you locked behind a wall of pain that you can't find your way out? Or are you stronger; a tenacious young girl that can see through the walls."

"What walls?"

"The walls that keep you in. You have been coming to these therapy sessions for some time now and we've gotten very little. I think you trust me a bit more now than when you first got here, so why don't we really dive in to what happened?" he said putting his arm around me. With his hand on my thigh he whispered in my ear, "Let me help you release your pain. Once you give me control we can find your way home." The heat rose quickly within me; I was awake.

I shoved his hands off of me and started to get away. He got a hold of my shirt and pulled back, tearing the shirt half off of me. I turned and screamed at him "My pain is not for you to take. It is my pain," and kicked him in the balls. "But you can have another." With him writhing on the floor, I bent over him, holding myself inside my torn shirt as best as I could and whispered back in his ear, "And I think I can find my own way home." And I left him there to return to my room.

As I reached my room I noticed the door was open. I walked in and grabbed my towel to dry off; I doubted that the heater was making it me this hot. As I reached for the towel, a person ran by the door and I heard them say something about Ashley missing. I stepped out and yelled at them, asking what they had just said. "She's on the roof." Without hesitation I followed as behind as quickly as I could.

When we got to the roof I was held back. "Residents aren't supposed to be up here," I was told. Ashley was near the edge, faltering in her steps. I could hear sirens in the distance. "Ashley!" I screamed. She stopped.

"It's too late. They can't promise me anymore. I won't let them. They can't see, Shels. They can't see." She stumbled closer to the edge. "Shels? Where am I? This – This doesn't feel like the patio. Where am I?"

"You're on the – " I started before I was pushed out of the way; I was hot once more.

"You're safe with us, Ashley. Can you hear me? Can you hear my voice." The therapist strained. I must have kicked him better than I thought. "Come to my voice Ashley. We will all go back inside."

"You can't see." She yelled back. "You can't see."

"See what? I can see fine."

"Shels? Where did you go?"

"I'm here," I tried yelling from the back. I was on fire.

"Ashley, grab my hand." I tied my towel around my neck so I could push my way forward as hard as I could while the therapist mumbled to himself that she couldn't see it how is she going to grab his hand. "Listen to my voice and grab my hand." She kept backing away from him.

As she neared teetering on the edge I ran through the therapist, untied the towel and hurled an end at her. "Ashley, catch this." Her hand touched it as she was slipping over the edge. I fell forward- not letting go; she caught a hold. "Ashley are you ok?"

"I want to go home." She screamed as tears flowed down her eyes. A crowd of people had collected at the bottom.

"It's not your fault Ashley. None of this is." I wasn't able to pull her up. I could only hold her.

"I just want to go home."

Her face was red with pain. "I know Ashley, I know you do." Then I noticed her fingers where shaking. She was losing her grip. I didn't think I could muster the strength to pull anymore.

"Ashely," I said confidently. "Do you trust me?" She didn't reply. "DO YOU TRUST ME?"

She looked straight in my eyes, smiled, and said, "Yes, and you are beautiful." I let go of the towel and she fell.

Each day

Passes on in this prolonged trial;

I am not in denial

Each time I sigh it's been a while

Since I have felt your smile.

"I told them everything," I said to her, finding her an hour later in the back of an ambulance.

"Who?"

"The police. I told them how you've been raped in here by the staff and rapists, I mean therapists. I told them how you were taken advantage of because of your blindness. They took advantage of all of us. They even tried to have their way with me. I think the police believed me, since my shirt is all torn up from my session this morning. That and a size 6 shoe print on the front of the therapists pants."

"You kicked him?"

"Apparently pretty hard. He didn't sound right on the roof."

"No. No he didn't!"

"Say, can I ask you something?" I asked as the paramedic was clearing us to go back inside.

"What's that?"

"Ashley, can you see me?"

"No, not anymore."

"Anymore?"

"I did. I saw you. Just for a moment. I saw your eyes, your hair, and your face. It was heaven. Then everything went black again. Thank you."

"For what? I didn't heal you."

"I will never forget the moment I saw your smile. I may be blind forever, and I may not. But until then, I will always have that memory. Oh, and I think this belongs to you," she said handing me my towel." For the first time more years than I could count I felt the warmth of SuperShelly again.

I blushed and said, "Let's go home now."


End file.
